you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
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