Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
