he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
