I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
