the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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