life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
