I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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