My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
