The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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