you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
well, you know. whores of a feather.
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