Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
