"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
