I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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