I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
