Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
