If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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