I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
