careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
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