just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
