dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i think i have herpe
just one?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
