Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
