I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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