I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
