So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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