she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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