The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
