I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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