i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
