I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
