She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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