Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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