sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
