the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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