There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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