what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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