glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
sarcasm needs its own font
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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