i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
