look no pants
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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