I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
