: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
