My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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