she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
