I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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