from now on my penis is your penis
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
