The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
