we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
