I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
