Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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