In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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