I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Randomize
