Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
