so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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